For the BOW from which I as a LIVING ARROW am sent forth...

Sadness, loneliness, anger, fatigue, numbness, guilt, self-reproach, anxiety, yearning... since Mama died, my heart has been a breeding ground of all these...

The range of feelings is indeed very, very wide, my emotions are 'all over the place'. There are times when December 16, 2006 seems like a lifetime away, but most of the time, it seems like it was but yesterday.

I never thought the sense of loss could take much, much longer to sink in. In fact, the process is painstakingly very, very slow. I think I still have not gotten used to the fact that death has occurred, that Mama died (then Lola Tinay followed six months later). It’s just too much...Until now I still wonder if something could have been done by the family or by me in particular to prevent this apparently inexplicable event. I have regrets too of unfulfilled promises, of times I did not spend with Mama...

While coping with homesickness here, I began to think that I have symptoms of depression. I couldn’t sleep well, couldn’t eat regularly, sometimes it seems I have a digestive shut down, at times I wanna eat the whole house. Intense sadness clutches at my back, every time I try to get it off my back, the more it tightens its grip. I began to think too that I don’t have self-esteem anymore. There’s this feeling of worthlessness, feeling of despair as if everything in my system has impaired functioning.

But then again, I have family and friends who supported me and prayed for me...and I have a God, Who despite my being so defiant, loves me and never ceases to show me every moment of my life that He is a living God!

I remembered one very long painful, anxious night here, the next morning I received an email from my friend Jickles, who quoted, “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17).

My friend Lalay Padernal also told me this, “I’m sure it’s those times you had spent with your mom that counts and not those that you haven’t.”

My family are sources of strength and inspiration and my friends always give me encouraging words. To thank them for their support, I don’t want them to worry about me...I have to move on and live life as Mama would have wanted me to.

I will think of good memories that we spent together, of the times she really laughed so hard, of the bonding times we spent in the beaches, in Eden Nature Park, in Camiguin, in Davao City, in Tagum City... everywhere... anytime... anything happy and inspiring that I could remember...

I will remember how her face beamed if I have spotted her while waiting at the food court in a supermarket...

I will think of the hours I spent sitting with her on a long bus ride to and from Davao City, ‘cause she used to come with me during my Saturday Masteral classes at USeP-Obrero and of the days we spent talking about life in Musuan.

I will think of the best and the happiest Christmas the family ever celebrated (that Christmas eve of 1992, we didn’t have any festive food, but that was the happiest, most fun Christmas. I can still imagine my Papa and Mama dancing).

I will think of the days when I got sick...Mama took care of me like a child...I miss being pampered...

I will think of how she just smiled back at her friends and colleagues when they praised her children or praised her on how she raised her children. Even though she just smiled modestly at her friends but I could see the joy and pride in her eyes...

I will think of the days when we watched Beethoven, Jurrasic Park, God must be Crazy, Sound of Music, Amistad, Forrest Gump and all the movies we watched together...I will remember the times when we cried together or get misty-eyed because of the stories I told her or of the stories she told me...

I will think of how she happily played with our dogs, of how proudly she described that her cats had peculiar behaviours and of how she fed the birds in our backyard...

I will think of her tasty adobo!!! I miss her adobo so much!

I will remember how she taught us (me, Baden and Macky) to love each other, to be tolerant of and forgiving to mean personalities and of gossipy neighbours; to be respectful especially to the elderly, to help people especially the deprived...

There are soooo many happy and inspiring things I could think of about Mama...

Even in her death bed, I could remember one peaceful moment: when Mama’s pulmonologist asked us if we’re ready, I smiled and I said ‘Yes Doc, we are ready’. A minute after, the heart rate monitor sounded the long beep that signalled her death. That time, I felt a different kind of consciousness, as if I was unburdened of a load I had been carrying for a long time...In a very short moment, somehow, I have made peace with losing my Mama. Then I sat beside her, and kissed her forehead for a long time, and said “Babye, Ma. I love you so much!” She was surrounded by those who loved her. I know she was ready to go, her death was peaceful.

For a while, this pain would still haunt me. There would be times still that I would close my eyes and see her on a hospital bed.

For a while, I would think of sending her a text message or of trying to call her, only to remember at the last moment that she’s already dead. I still often wish I could call her and tell her a bit of news about my life here in Reading.

For a while, I would think of buying something nice for her, like a beautiful blouse or the DVD and books about Princess Diana every time I go to the shops here only to realize she ‘s not there to receive my gifts...

I will remember her strength as a woman...

I will always feel her love...

I will dream of her smile...

When I’m weary, I will feel how she holds me in her breasts in a very tender, very warm embrace...

...and I will always hear her answer to me...“I love you so much, too, Ga!”

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("You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." - Kahlil Gibran)